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Magic Item: The Coffee Machine From Hell
I dreamed about this thing today, and what use is a blog if I can’t use it to write about the weird things I dream up?
Description
This looks like a chunky, tabletop coffee machine of the sort that can be made at TL8, and which might be found in an office. It’s self-contained, with internal reservoirs for beans and plastic cups. An authorized technician supposedly refills those after working hours, but employees who stay late never see this technician, no matter how late they stay. And yet, the machine never seems to run out.
The device bears the name of a company that does indeed make this type of appliance, though instead of their usual logo it has an upside-down star with a smiley face. It has no model name or other contact information printed anywhere on its body.
The Coffee Machine From Hell has a counter-intuitive control panel. Several button presses are required to tell it what you want, but that’s just bad interface design. The Machine’s true curse is more insidious.
As its name implies, the Coffee Machine From Hell is literally a torment device built by demons. It will do its nominal job of producing cups of shitty office coffee, but only if the user is making one for themselves (i.e, being self-serving) or is thinking hostile or hateful thoughts about the intended recipient of the drink. Someone who’s genuinely trying to help, or even just being neutral about it, will find the machine seizes up or behaves unpredictably. Even if all buttons are pressed correctly, it will spit mangled cups, spill hot liquid on the countertop, make the wrong drink, and generally go out of its way to make user experience a nightmare and to never ever produce whatever it is the third party ordered.
Placed in an office where “making a coffee for someone else” is an accepted part of the culture, the Machine will soon turn it into a nest of hate and resentment. This is accelerated if the “someone else” is always the boss. Unlucky interns and employees will cause mess after mess until they start to truly hate the boss. The boss, in turn, will be frustrated that no one else seems to be able to operate this “simple” machine that always works for them and will come to hate their underlings in turn.
Mechanics
Despite its shitty interface, no roll is required to operate the Machine. It does however read the operator’s mind to see if it should trigger the curse, in which case it behaves as if a critical failure had been rolled. This will either result in a humiliating mess, or in a normal-looking but undrinkable cup of coffee that’s sure to cause inflict a nasty surprise on its intended recipient.
Someone who is wise to the curse can try to trick the device into operating normally with a successful Mind Block roll, or through any powers they have that can shield their thoughts from telepathy. This roll can me made at the usual Will-5 default if the character lacks the skill.
The machine’s infernal nature can be detected by any power or spell that detects evil or infernal powers. It can be “cleansed” through Exorcism or equivalent powers, like a more typical cursed artifact. Its greatest defense against detection and exorcism is that neither of these abilities are common in the settings in which it appears. Its true nature can’t be detected by purely scientific means.
How to use it in a game
The Coffee Machine From Hell is a perfect addition to any oppressive office your PCs must infiltrate for a while, particularly if they’re undercover as interns. It’s something of a trap in that case: If everyone else already hates each others’ guts, the PCs will be the only ones who trigger the curse, and this will draw undue attention to them.
Obviously, every office in Hell has one of these, but it can also be present on Earthly companies under demonic influence, or just wind up in an otherwise normal company without any explanation.
PCs on an infiltration mission will most likely need to trick the machine. Exorcism attempts are too obvious and will likely blow their cover, especially if they are actually infiltrating Hell. In an infiltration scenario where the office is weird or evil in other ways, the machine is unlikely to be the only obstacle they face.
In a campaign centered on paranormal investigation or monster hunting, the PCs might be hired to find the problem behind a supernaturally toxic work environment. If they have supernatural means of detecting evil, they’ll be able to easily find the Machine, but in those cases it might be only one of the sources of trouble. If they must rely only scientific instruments, then finding the Machine is considerably harder even if they can easily use Exorcism to cleanse it.
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Let's Read the 4e Monster Manual 3: Ghoul
Copyright 2010 Wizards of the Coast. This post is part of a series! Click here to see the others.
As classic monsters, Ghouls had their 4e debut on the first Monster Manual, and would end up making it into the Monster Vault as well. Here, the Monster Manual 3 gives us a few specialized ghoul variants that can compliment the ones on the MV.
The Lore
The basic lore for ghouls remains the same. You can check out a description of it on my post about ghouls in the MM/MV.
The MM3 emphasizes that ghouls are creatures of pure evil, since they used to be individuals who practiced cannibalism or did other equally horrible things in life. It adds that they are not only driven by a hunger for flesh, but are also drawn to places where evil is powerful.
Ghouls will spontaneously show up at the home bases of evil cults, especially those who worship Orcus or one of his exarchs. These villains often secure the ghouls’ services by paying in live captives.
Ghouls will also seek out ruins and dungeons where great evil is entombed, sometimes digging for miles to reach these places if they happen to be deep underground. This attraction handily explains why the ghouls that live in these places prefer to hang out there rather than terrorizing the countryside.
Some adventurers like to use these ghoul tunnels and warrens as a way to reach their dungeons or the Underdark, but this is a risky proposition as any ghouls living in the tunnels will have a terrain advantage against the interlopers.
The Monsters
We get three different varieties of Ghoul here, none of which seem to be reprinted in the MV. They’re all Medium Natural Humanoids with the Undead tag. They have Darkvision, Immunity to disease and poison, Resist 10 Necrotic, and Vulnerable 5 Radiant.
Ghoul Flesh Seeker
This is a cultist of Orcus who has undergone a voluntary transformation into a ghoul. I guess the origin could be applied to any stat block, but this specific entry describes a stealthy bastitch. They sometimes hunt in civilized settlements, disguising themselves with heavy robes. When accompanying other monsters, they like to strike from ambush while the PCs are busy with their less stealthy buddies.
Flesh Seekers are Level 4 Lurkers with 45 HP. Their ground speed is an excellent 8, and their Shadow Skulk trait allows them to roll Stealth to hide in combat when they have partial cover or concealment (normally you need full cover or concealment).
Their basic attack is a Claw that damages and immobilizes (save ends) on a hit. They don’t have abilities to exploit this directly, but “standard” ghouls do.
They have two “lurker”-y special attacks. The first is Prepare For Sacrifice, which they can use against a creature from which they were hidden at the start of their turn. It does more damage than the claw attack, and on a hit the flesh seeker knocks the target prone and grabs it. The target can escape using the normal rules (Athletics DC 14 or Acrobatics DC 16) but takes a -2 penalty on the escape test and can’t stand up until the grab ends.
The second special attack is Render Unto Orcus, and it can only be used on a target grabbed by the flesh seeker. No special riders here, just a massive chunk of damage.
Tactics write themselves: Ambush -> Prepare For Sacrifice -> Render Unto Orcus. If someone pries you off your victim, hide and repeat.
Adept of Orcus
A cannibal priest of Orcus who died and returned as a ghoul. This one retains its memories, but since it already behaved like a ghoul in life the only way you can tell it’s because it can use magic.
Adepts are Level 6 Controllers with the Leader tag and 71 HP. Their speed is 8. They project an Uneasy Grave aura (5). Any non-minion ghoul ally that dies inside this aura comes back as a zombie rotter (a minion) at the start of its next turn.
The adept’s Claw damages and immobilizes, as typical for ghouls. It also has three spells, all ranged attacks. Grave Grasp (at-will) does no damage and restrains (save ends). Call to Feast (recharge 5+) immobilizes (save ends) and allows a ghoul ally adjacent to the target to make a free basic attack against them. And Grave Dust Cloud (encounter) is an area spell that does necrotic damage and creates a zone that does 5 necrotic damage to any enemy who enters it or ends their turn inside.
These things are extremely dangerous when paired with traditional ghouls, since they can paralyze from a distance and allow their buddies to do huge damage right away.
Ghast
Ghasts are a monster as traditional as the ghoul. Basically, they’re stronger and stinkier ghouls. The MM and MV had Abyssal Ghouls to fill this role, but they were level 16. This official Ghast entry is appropriate for mixing in with standard ghouls.
Ghasts are what happens when a ghoul goes for too long without eating the flesh of the living. Instead of starving, they rot from the inside and become even more desperate and voracious. This rot is what gives them their horrible stench.
Ghasts are Level 6 Brutes with 85 HP. They’re a bit slower at speed 6, and their Stench of Death aura (1) slows any living creatures that start their turns inside.
Their basic attack is a bite that damages and immobilizes for a turn. They can use a Devouring Bite against an immobilized creature, which does huge damage and keeps recharging until they hit with it. After the bite hits and is spent, they can use their Rabid Claws, to make two melee attacks against immobilized creatures. Each one does slightly less damage than the basic bite, but if the two hit they hurt more overall.
Encounters and Final Impressions
These new ghoul types can fit into the same types of encounter group as the ones from the MM/MV, which means they pair well with Orcus cultists and other undead. And now you have enough ghoul stat blocks to make a large variety of all-ghoul encounters.
As for my impressions… I like ghouls as opponents, and I would like to repeat my warning from the original article to prefer the MV ghouls over the MM1 ones. The ones from this book pair well with the MV versions.
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Merging GURPS Weapon Skills
Recently, Peter V. Dell’Orto made a post in his blog Dungeon Fantastic about merging GURPS weapon skills. I really, really like the idea, so I thought about writing about how I’d do it.
Mr. Dell’Orto’s post is specific to Dungeon Fantasy and to his own Felltower campaign. Mine is a bit more generic since I don’t have an active campaign going, and I tend to kind of mix up Dungeon Fantasy and default GURPS rules in my head. Consider it an addition to my House Style.
The reason for doing this is also pretty well-covered by this follow-up Dungeon Fantastic Post: having too many fine distinctions between spells and skills in a cinematic campaign can serve as a bit of a damper on the pacing and excitement of the campaign. My usual players tend to have a certain resistance to trying stuff that’s not on their character sheets, especially in a complex system like GURPS, so having broader traits would allow them to experiment a bit more.
The Skills
In campaigns where this post is in effect, I’m going to use the following list of weapon skills.
Axe/Mace (DX/Average)
Defaults: DX-5, Two-Handed Axe/Mace-3
This skill is a combination of the original Axe/Mace with Flail. When using a flail, the character suffers a -1 skill penalty.
In games that use Techniques, Flail is a new Hard technique that defaults to Skill-1 and has a maximum level equal to Skill. This means you can buy the -1 penalty off for 2 points.
Fencing (DX/Average)
Defaults: DX-5, One-Handed Sword-4
This new skill merges Rapier, Saber and Smallsword. It allows you to use not only these three “titular” weapons, but also any other weapon that would fall under those skills, such as the jian (Rapier) or the light stick (Smallsword).
All the normal rules for fencing weapons apply.
Force Sword (DX/Average)
Defaults: DX-5, Fencing-3, One-Handed Sword-3, Two-handed Sword-3.
Should I ever play a science fiction game with force swords, this gets merged with Force Saber. Whether you get fencing parries or not depends on the stat line of the weapon you’re using. The “Fencing parries for everyone!” option is also valid in a more explicitly Star Warsy game.
Knife (DX/Average)
Defaults: DX-5, Fencing-4
This merges the original Knife skill with Jitte/Sai and Main-Gauche. Any weapon that could be used with either of these can be used with the new skill. Weapons use their Main-Gauche profiles for this, meaning there’s no penalty for using the off hand and the user gets fencing parries.
In my experience, “knife expert” PCs always went for Main-Gauche anyway. People who dropped a point in Knife as a back-up skill almost never ended up using it, so they can just drop a point in this one instead.
The Jutte and the Sai get both a +2 for disarm attempts and fencing parries without any special stance switches required. They are rare enough in my games that I don’t believe it will be a problem. And by “rare” I mean no one has taken these weapons and no one has tried a disarm yet.
One-Handed Sword (DX/Average)
Defaults: DX-5, Fencing-4, Two-Handed Sword-4
This is the skill used for all one-handed swords, merging both Broadsword and Shortsword.
Blade length is an important consideration in real life, but it’s below the level of granularity I prefer. This also broadens the range of really cool magic swords your sword-wielding players can find and immediately use.
Pole Weapons (DX/Average)
Defaults: DX-5, Two-Handed Sword-5
This merges Polearm, Spear, and Staff. The Form Mastery perk is redundant for these weapons.
What about that sweet Staff parry bonus? If it’s in your weapon’s stat line under Staff, you get it. If it’s not, you don’t. The only exception to this are balanced two-handed spears, which I feel should have the bonus.
Two-Handed Axe/Mace (DX/Average)
Defaults: DX-5, Axe-Mace-3
Like Axe/Mace, but for two-handed weapons. The same rules apply for two-handed flails, including the existence of a Hard technique to buy the -1 penalty off.
Two-Handed Sword (DX/Average)
Defaults: DX-5, One-Handed Sword-4
This is pretty much the same skill as the original, with a suitably altered list of defaults.
What about all the other skills?
All of the more exotic weapon skills, like Whip, Kusari, and Tonfa, remain the same. I might change my mind in the future and come back to this, but I haven’t actually used any of them in my games, so it makes no difference for them to stay as-is.
Optional Rule: Weapon Familiarity
If you like how these skills are merged, but still feel a staff user shouldn’t be able to pick up a halberd and wield it just as proficiently right away, then you can use a version of the Familiarity rules from the GURPS core book.
PCs are considered familiar with any weapons they acquire during character creation. If they pick up a weapon that would be used with a different skill under the standard rules, they have a -2 penalty to use that weapon until they can spend a few hours practicing with it. This takes time but costs no money or points. In effect, it can only happen when the PCs have a significant amount of downtime (such as when returning to town from a dungeon in DF). After this, the PC is considered familiar with that weapon type.
I’m writing this up as an option, but it’s not one I’ll use myself.
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Let's Read the 4e Monster Manual 3: Gargoyle
Copyright 2010 Wizards of the Coast. This post is part of a series! Click here to see the others.
Gargoyles made their 4e debut in the first Monster Manual. I wrote about them here. Though that article includes a whole bunch of gargoyles, most of them are from the Monster Vault. When the MM3 was published, we still only had the two originals from the MM1.
This entry adds a lot more variety, and it doesn’t actually overlap with the later MV gargoyles, so we’re going to be looking at all of them.
The Lore
Gargoyle lore remains basically the same, and you can read it here. We get two new bits in this entry:
The first is that efreets love to train packs of gargoyles to hunt sapients for sport. The elemental lords are endlessly amused by their pets’ penchant for sadism when hunting. In the world, cultists of the Elder Elemental Eye frequently recruit and train gargoyles to guard their temples.
The second is that while gargoyles have a fearsome reputation in the world, they tend to be viewed as weak in their native Elemental Chaos. There, they are more often the prey than the hunter. Gargoyle packs skulk in caves and other secluded locations, and only attack when they greatly outnumber their target.
The Numbers
All gargoyles in this entry are Medium Elemental Humanoids with the Earth keyword. They have Darkvision, a ground speed of 6, and a flight speed of 8. They’re immune to petrification, and all but one of them have a passive trait called Lurking Presence, which gives them a +10 bonus to Stealth against enemies’ passive Perception.
It’s also interesting to note that none of the gargoyles in this entry have the Lurker role - with these and the ones from the MV, you can build varied all-gargoyle encounters.
Ironstone Gargoyle
Identified by the rust-red streaks covering their bodies, Ironstone Gargoyles behave like their “default” cousins, hanging out in mountain passes and ruins waiting to raid unsuspecting passers-by. They wait in ambush but fight in a more aggressive and mobile way than usual once combat starts.
Ironstone Gargoyles are Level 7 Skirmishers with 80 HP and the traits outlined above. They use claws to fight, and have a special attack named Crashing Stride (recharge 5+). This allows them to shift 4 squares and make claw attacks against two targets at any point along the shift. If they hit, they also slide the target 1 square and knock it prone.
When surrounded, a Leaping Glide (at-will move action) allows them to fly 4 squares without provoking opportunity attacks.
Hornstone Gargoyle
This robust specimen is distinguished by its large horns, which it uses to gore, impale and drag victims in combat. It’s a Level 8 Brute with 107 HP and all standard traits.
Those horns can be used in an Impaling Charge, an attack which must be used as part of a charge. It does heavy damage and grabs the target by impaling them in the gargoyle’s horns. The target takes 5 ongoing damage while the grab lasts. Escaping uses the standard rules (Athletics DC 22 or Acrobatics DC 19).
The gargoyle can use Skewering Drag as a move action to move half its speed and automatically pull the grabbed victim along with it. Neither provokes opportunity attacks from the other during this movement.
I left the basic Claw attack for last because it interacts with the above abilities: aside from doing the usual heavy damage of a Brute, it allows the monster to use Skewering Drag as a free action. Attacking the grabbed victim is a perfectly valid choice, mind you.
In combat they’ll do their best to impale and drag an enemy away. If the charge fails they prefer to fly away and try again rather than stand and fight with basic attacks.
Obsidian Gargoyle
Obsidian gargoyles are kinda brittle, but also covered in sharp edges. Massive flocks of these things darken the skies of the Elemental Chaos, and they’re the preferred variant of Elemental Eye cultists. They’re Level 8 Minion Soldiers.
Their claw attacks are nothing special, but they also have a Cruel Claws passive that deals 4 damage to an enemy who leaves a square adjacent to the gargoyle. That’s not a lot, but it triggers on a shift and stacks. Surround a PC with these beasts. Leave only one way out. Dare them to take it.
Runic Gargoyle
This is an artificial gargoyle variant, originally created to serve the Elder Elemental Eye. Their skin looks like white marble covered in arcane runes, and they are a lot smarter than your average gargoyle. Some of them have since broken out of their servitude and found jobs with different groups.
Runic Gargoyles are Level 8 Soldiers with 87 HP and all standard traits except for Lurking Presence, since they don’t really have natural camouflage. They were made to be bodyguards, and their runes can be configured to bind them to a designated “master”. I guess “client” might be a better word for free runic gargoyles.
Their claw attack marks the target for a turn. They can also use an Avenging Claws maneuver that dazes instead of marking. This recharges when they’re first bloodied.
As a move action, they can teleport To the Master, appearing in a space within 2 squares of the client. There is no range limit on this, and it allows you to have a cool scene where the boss snaps his fingers and a gang of gargoyle guards teleports in.
If the gargoyle is adjacent to its client and the client takes damage, it can use Shielding Wings as an interrupt to take the damage instead.
Encounters
The same encounter building tips for MM1/MV gargoyles also apply here. The efreet and Elder Eye angles are new and just as valid.
Inter-gargoyle synergy is highest between the gargoyles from this entry. You have a couple of variants who are excellent at inflicting forced movement, and a minion who deals damage to enemies who move away from it. And since all of them fly, they also pair well with pits and other floor-based hazards.
Final Impressions
The stat blocks in this entry don’t really change my general opinion of gargoyles. They might be too iconic, as the exceptional case in a D&D adventure is meeting an inanimate gargoyle statue who won’t come to life and try to kill you. For this reason, you don’t want to use them too much in your actual game. Still, by combining the MM3 and the MV you have enough variants to make that one gargoyle encounter truly memorable.
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Let's Read the 4e Monster Manual 3: Frog
Not a D&D illustration. This post is part of a series! Click here to see the others.
Every individual roleplayer has a set of D&D monsters they consider “iconic”, regardless of what the publisher has to say about it. Years ago, I remember one such player saying that to him “giant fucking frogs” were the most iconic D&D monster. It’s not D&D if you don’t fight a huge-ass frog at some point.
By that criterion we can shut the grognards up for good now. Here is the moment when 4e finally becomes D&D.
The Lore
Real-world frogs are usually quite useful creatures. Most species are harmless to humans and eat disease-spreading insects. Some consider them cute and, if nothing else, they can be tasty when properly prepared.
In typical D&D fashion, this book calls such creatures “pests” because they’re not fuzzy wabbits. And then it moves on to focus on monstrous frogs, who are big and aggressive enough to eat people. They live in surface swamps and on underground lakes in “natural” caves or in the shallow Underdark. There are several different species, and the book implies they’re atavistic survivors from the world’s prehistory, like sharks and crocodiles in the real world.
A monstrous frog won’t usually leave its home territory to hunt people, but it will eat anyone foolish enough to wander through that territory. “Beware of Frog” signs are a common sight in villages close to the borders of their habitat. Frog attacks are a potential hazard for PCs traveling through marshy terrain, and the book suggests they could be hired by a wealthy family to retrieve some heirloom from the belly of a frog who ate its former bearer.
The Monsters
All frogs shown here are Medium Natural Beasts, though you could probably home-brew larger specimens if you want. They’re Aquatic, which lets them breathe underwater and gives them bonuses against non-aquatic enemies in underwater combat. They also have good Swim speeds and low-light vision.
Thornskin Frog
These frogs have brown skin covered in thick spines. The spines are not effective in combat but give them a distinctive look.
Thornskins are Level 1 Brutes with 35 HP. They have a ground speed of 4 and a swim speed of 6. Their basic attack is a bite and they can also pounce (recharge 5+). This lets them shift their speed, deald more damage than a bite and knocks the target prone. As a minor action they can use a Reach 3 Tongue Grab that pulls a target 2 squares on a hit.
In short, these critters do everything you could expect from a classic giant frog.
Sporeback Frog
Copyright 2010 Wizards of the Coast. Sporebacks are the laziest hunters imaginable. They pick a spot and wait there for prey to wander into the reach of their barbed tongues. They move so little that mushrooms often grow on their backs.
Most creatures smart enough to pose a threat to these monsters have long since learned to avoid them. As a result, sporebacks never expect their chosen prey to put up a fight, and don’t usually run away unless they’re very close to death.
Sporebacks are Level 2 Controllers with 42 HP. Their ground speed is a pitiful 3, and their swim speed is 5. Their basic attack is a bite that damages and slows, and their Reach 3 Barbed Tongues damage, pull the target 2 squares, and knock it prone.
When they die, the mushrooms on their back burst and perform a Spore Release, a close burst 2 attack that deals poison damage and inflicts a -2 attack penalty (save ends).
For extra nastiness, have the sporebacks in your encounter group stay underwater and use their tongues to drag PCs there. This works even better if all of Team Monster has the Aquatic keyword.
Murklord Frog
Murklords are entirely black, and have two parallel bio-luminescent stripes running down their backs. These flare up when the frog is startled or feels threatened.
These beautiful creatures are the opposite of sporebacks when it comes to attacking prey. They perform darting strikes from the muddy margins of their watery homes, and grow even more frantic and ferocious when wounded.
Murklords are Level 2 Skirmishers with 39 HP. They have ground and swim speeds of 6. Their basic melee attack is a bite and they can also perform a Leapfrog attack (recharge 4+) that deals more damage and allows them to shift 3 squares both before and after making the attack. Perfect for leaping out of the water, taking a bite, and returning before the PCs can react.
As a minor action, it can also perform a Reach 2 Tongue Lash that does no damage but slides the target 1 square on a hit.
The murklord’s attacks use d6s as their damage dice: 1d6+4 for the bite, 2d6+4 for the limited-use Leapfrog. After the frog is first bloodied, though, those d6s become d12s, significantly increasing its damage potential.
Encounters
Goblins, kobolds and bullywugs commonly employ trained monstrous frogs as mounts and war beasts. Only the bullywugs have succeeded in domesticating them, though - the others must capture wild frogs and train those. When bullywugs make alliances or trade agreements, they commonly make a gift of trained war frogs to their new partners.
People with no access to trained frogs can still use them by keeping them captive and releasing a bunch of angry half-starved frogs in the general direction of the enemy.
Final Impressions
I’m not sure if I’d go as far as calling huge-ass frogs “iconic D&D monsters”, but they are cool. These ones are properly froggy in their mechanics, and you can probably extend their usefulness by giving them additional levels, increasing their size, and giving them a Swallow attack.
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