I dreamed about this thing today, and what use is a blog if I can’t use it to write about the weird things I dream up?

Description

This looks like a chunky, tabletop coffee machine of the sort that can be made at TL8, and which might be found in an office. It’s self-contained, with internal reservoirs for beans and plastic cups. An authorized technician supposedly refills those after working hours, but employees who stay late never see this technician, no matter how late they stay. And yet, the machine never seems to run out.

The device bears the name of a company that does indeed make this type of appliance, though instead of their usual logo it has an upside-down star with a smiley face. It has no model name or other contact information printed anywhere on its body.

The Coffee Machine From Hell has a counter-intuitive control panel. Several button presses are required to tell it what you want, but that’s just bad interface design. The Machine’s true curse is more insidious.

As its name implies, the Coffee Machine From Hell is literally a torment device built by demons. It will do its nominal job of producing cups of shitty office coffee, but only if the user is making one for themselves (i.e, being self-serving) or is thinking hostile or hateful thoughts about the intended recipient of the drink. Someone who’s genuinely trying to help, or even just being neutral about it, will find the machine seizes up or behaves unpredictably. Even if all buttons are pressed correctly, it will spit mangled cups, spill hot liquid on the countertop, make the wrong drink, and generally go out of its way to make user experience a nightmare and to never ever produce whatever it is the third party ordered.

Placed in an office where “making a coffee for someone else” is an accepted part of the culture, the Machine will soon turn it into a nest of hate and resentment. This is accelerated if the “someone else” is always the boss. Unlucky interns and employees will cause mess after mess until they start to truly hate the boss. The boss, in turn, will be frustrated that no one else seems to be able to operate this “simple” machine that always works for them and will come to hate their underlings in turn.

Mechanics

Despite its shitty interface, no roll is required to operate the Machine. It does however read the operator’s mind to see if it should trigger the curse, in which case it behaves as if a critical failure had been rolled. This will either result in a humiliating mess, or in a normal-looking but undrinkable cup of coffee that’s sure to cause inflict a nasty surprise on its intended recipient.

Someone who is wise to the curse can try to trick the device into operating normally with a successful Mind Block roll, or through any powers they have that can shield their thoughts from telepathy. This roll can me made at the usual Will-5 default if the character lacks the skill.

The machine’s infernal nature can be detected by any power or spell that detects evil or infernal powers. It can be “cleansed” through Exorcism or equivalent powers, like a more typical cursed artifact. Its greatest defense against detection and exorcism is that neither of these abilities are common in the settings in which it appears. Its true nature can’t be detected by purely scientific means.

How to use it in a game

The Coffee Machine From Hell is a perfect addition to any oppressive office your PCs must infiltrate for a while, particularly if they’re undercover as interns. It’s something of a trap in that case: If everyone else already hates each others’ guts, the PCs will be the only ones who trigger the curse, and this will draw undue attention to them.

Obviously, every office in Hell has one of these, but it can also be present on Earthly companies under demonic influence, or just wind up in an otherwise normal company without any explanation.

PCs on an infiltration mission will most likely need to trick the machine. Exorcism attempts are too obvious and will likely blow their cover, especially if they are actually infiltrating Hell. In an infiltration scenario where the office is weird or evil in other ways, the machine is unlikely to be the only obstacle they face.

In a campaign centered on paranormal investigation or monster hunting, the PCs might be hired to find the problem behind a supernaturally toxic work environment. If they have supernatural means of detecting evil, they’ll be able to easily find the Machine, but in those cases it might be only one of the sources of trouble. If they must rely only scientific instruments, then finding the Machine is considerably harder even if they can easily use Exorcism to cleanse it.